


chasing cars

by jurina



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Lowercase, M/M, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 23:01:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12375936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jurina/pseuds/jurina
Summary: joshua knows it's wrong and he wishes he could change, but his best friend helps him come to terms with the truth.





	chasing cars

**Author's Note:**

> tw for internalized homophobia and mentions of religious stuff!  
> also idk why everything i write is typed lowercase lol

ever since jisoo was a kid, he was told not to do many things. don’t steal from others, it’s not nice to be mean to others even if they’re mean to you, and most importantly:  _ don’t believe being gay is right _ . coming from a christian family wasn’t exactly a blessing for him nor a curse. he was content with his religion even if there was things he didn’t agree with. 

he was taught that god loves everyone no matter what and if that was really the case then he would be content with his identity. jisoo never hated life in all his years of living. he had a family, friends, interests, and so much more. nothing could make him want to believe that things weren’t okay even if they weren’t on the inside.

jisoo was 5 when he thought another boy’s eyes were pretty. he was 12 when he first held hands with his family friend’s son. now he’s 18 and secretly in love with his best friend. 

he didn’t mean for any of this to happen, it was a mistake, he had to change or else everything he’s ever known would disappear from his life. no more family dinners, no more hanging out with the choir students after school, no more seeing  _ him _ .

there are possibilities that nothing will change. his mom will hug him, say she’ll love her son no matter what and this too can be forgiven. the choir students will congratulate him on coming out by himself and say ‘ _ you’re so brave shua, we’re proud of you! _ ’ and jeonghan will finally be able to love joshua without having to hide it from the world.

he doesn’t dare to think of that outcome though, instead he thinks about the bad ending. he’d end up marrying a woman to make up for causing his mother stress, but most importantly disappointing his secret lover. he’ll live out his life as a fake who will continually lie to everyone he meets up until he meets his deathbed. 

hearing his mother call for him downstairs shakes him away from his thoughts, replying to her that he’ll be down in a second. he wipes away the tears from his eyes and gets himself together so he doesn’t make her worry.

“honey, some of your friends are at the door,” joshua’s mom gives him a reassuring smile with a hand on his shoulder. “if you’re going out, just call me before you get home, okay?”

he gives her a nod and smile, grabbing a coat before closing the door. he’s greeted by his choir friends: seungkwan, jihoon, seokmin, and jeonghan. they all give him hugs except for jeonghan, who just sends him a little smile.

“where are the others? aren’t they coming too?” jisoo wonders curiously, walking beside his friends towards the bleachers near his house. 

“they’re already there, they wanted a head start apparently.” 

“which is really stupid since we’re just really having a friendly gathering, not a secret mission meeting.” seungkwan scoffs, rolling his eyes at the thought.

after what seemed like an hour of exchanging words, they finally arrived at the bleachers. everyone was excited to see each other again during winter break, they were all friends throughout their high school adventures and would soon be separated after graduation.

seokmin walks away from the group before mentioning that they’d all be hanging out in the shed near the baseball field so he could reach it first. seungkwan follows after him, yelling for seokmin to slow down. jihoon turns towards jisoo and jeonghan since he knew the tension between them that they thought wasn’t noticeable. 

“i’ll go ahead and follow after them, you two can follow if you’d like.” jihoon says before running away from the pair.

jeonghan shows jihoon the same smile he showed to jisoo earlier, walking towards the bleachers. jisoo thinks he should follow after him although he knows nothing will come out of it. he decides to sit beside his best friend anyways.

“the weather feels perfect today, don’t you think?” jeonghan breaks the silence, pushing his hair back with his hand. “it’s a nice day to be outside. i’m glad we all agreed on hanging out.”

instead of giving a normal reply, jisoo just brings his legs to chest and wraps his arms around them. jeonghan might’ve noticed that he isn’t paying attention to a word he says because he knows jisoo better than anyone else does. which is why he decides to grab one of his hands away from his legs to intertwine their fingers together.

“you know, you can’t bottle everything up as much as you’d like to. we’re best friends, aren’t we? so you have to tell me what’s been up with you lately,” jeonghan is playing with his friend’s fingers now and oh boy, joshua swears he doesn’t deserve this. he doesn’t deserve this kindness from someone he can’t love because of his own internal conflict. 

he could get up and leave right now, just run away from the love of his life without any explanation. he can pretend that the past few years didn’t exist and that his first kiss wasn’t with his best friend at the homecoming dance behind the school yard. he can go back home to his mom and tell her everything, to help him overcome this, but he knows deep down  _ this _ cannot be changed. instead, he decides to tell jeonghan all about it. 

“don’t you think this is wrong? what we’re doing…i love you, but i can’t shake the feeling of this being a bad choice.” joshua mutters quietly, keeping his hand in jeonghan’s. he doesn’t dare to look at him after saying such terrible things.

he can feel jeonghan’s smile on him, his eyes staring into him. he feels bad knowing not once does jeonghan think about leaving joshua the way he thinks about leaving him. “no, i don’t think this is wrong actually. it’s right, it’s so right and i think we deserve to be happy. you’re happy with me, aren’t you shua? everyone says you are, i know you are too, but you don’t seem to notice that.” 

“you think because we just happen to be two boys in love with each other that it’s wrong, but i swear it isn’t. it never was, never will be, not in this lifetime. anyone who may say or think otherwise can answer to me.”

jisoo feels tears well up in his eyes, using his other hand to clench at his pants. he doesn’t want to cry, not in front of him. jeonghan notices anyways and carefully grabs jisoo’s chin so he can wipe his tears away before they even fall. he’s always loved everything about the boy in front of him. from his delicate body, the way his lips curl at the ends, his beautiful eyes, and amazing personality. he never wants to see joshua cry in a bad way.

“you might not remember, but i promised to always protect you the first time we met. i still stand by that promise because losing you isn’t something i want to happen anytime soon or at all, actually. i know you’ve been told this is wrong, but how can truly loving someone else be wrong when it’s the most beautiful thing?”

at this point jisoo is crying more but not because he isn’t happy or grossed out for once. these tears mean something else to him, they mean happiness and  _ acceptance _ . he finally realizes the truth that has always been in front of him. he loves his best friend, yoon jeonghan, another person who just so happen to be a boy. they’re both two boys in love and no one, nothing, can change the way he feels about him. jeonghan tells him that their friends know everything already, “it was pretty obvious they said,” they accepted both of them with welcomed arms like they did the first time they all met. 

jisoo was 18 when he came to terms with his identity and accepted it. he was 21 when he married the love of his life. he’s now 25 with a happy family of 3, a dog, his mom, and his high school friends.

**Author's Note:**

> this was rlly inspired by the pinwheel mv (love it tbh ts the best) and my friend roy tweeted about joshua's subplot being an emo gay so i just had to write it obviously..... i love jihan btw
> 
> also i'm not religious so srry about this ...? i also don't think all christians are homophobic it just fit with the internalized homophobia thing so ye... srry this sucks too 
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/superdeiicate)


End file.
